Quickie Ficcies
by Justmebymyself
Summary: Wackiness and slight naughtiness ensues. Very Random! Please help. I've misplaced my mind.
1. ChApTeR OnE: M&MS!

Quickie Ficcies.  
  
By my sister, with minimal help from me.   
  
  
  
"967,869,342,234,873 points from Gryffindor, Longbottom!" Snape yelled. Then he   
  
rounded on Harry, Ron, and Hermione.   
  
"And you, Potter . . ." he began, but he faltered. It seemed, at first,   
  
that words had failed him, but then he flew backward onto the cold stone floor.   
  
The class stared, as he curled up and began to sob. "I'm feeling- feeling-   
  
KIND!!!"   
  
He jumped to his feet, to the surprise of the class and yelled, "I'm   
  
going to hand out sweets!!!" Some of the dumber students, like Neville, cheered.   
  
Snape skipped to his desk, singing "I feel pretty" from The West Side Story.  
  
Snape snapped open a cabinet that was labeled: GOOD STUDENTS. He wiped   
  
away spiderwebs and grabbed handfuls of M&Ms.   
  
"YEA!" cried the class, running up to him for candy.   
  
"Yes!" Snape yelled, laughing, "Come, My children!" He threw up M&Ms to   
  
the heavens.  
  
(A/N: M&Ms bring out the best of everyone.) 


	2. ChaPTER TwO: GarY LanG and SHAniA TWaIn!

(A/N: Yes, I am the sister of the author of Learning. (What a mind fuck.) I would like to correct, as she might have told you, that I am not crazy! I AM NOT!!!!!!!!! I suffer severe randomness and insanity. I'm not crazy.... -runs off, muttering this over and over- BTW, you shall refer to me as THE AUTHOR. Or Angela. You pick.)  
  
"Boys love me!" Harry cried. Everyone in the common room glared at him.   
  
"What?" he asked, clueless.  
  
"If it doesn't say GARY LANG on the back, you probably payed . . . too much!" Ron sang. Everyone sighed, "Shut up Ronnie-Boy."  
  
(GARY LANG thing . . . commercial . . . don't ask.)  
  
  
  
Dumbledore smiled down at this mornings Daily Phophet's Crossword.  
  
ACROSS  
  
1. Five letter word for moron . . .  
  
H-A-R-R-Y.  
  
2. Three letter word for clueless . . .  
  
R-O-N.  
  
3. Eight letter word for smartass . . .  
  
H-E-R-M-I-O-N-E.  
  
  
  
Percy was taking a shower. He was singing "I Feel Like A Woman" By Shania Twain"  
  
"I'm going out tonight-I'm feelin' alright  
  
Gonna let it all hang out  
  
Wanna make some noise-really raise my voice  
  
Yeah, I wanna scream and shout   
  
No inhibitions-make no conditions  
  
Get a little outta lineI ain't gonna act politically correct  
  
I only wanna have a good time   
  
The best thing about being a woman  
  
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and...   
  
Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady  
  
Men's shirts-short skirts  
  
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style  
  
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction  
  
Color my hair-do what I dare  
  
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel  
  
Man! I feel like a woman! Ba ba badaada da da!"   
  
Percy got out of the shower, still singing. He put on his bathrobe and opened the door to find Fred and George . . .  
  
"GIVE ME THAT TAPE RECORDER!!!!" 


	3. ChaPTER ThreE: ElBoW

Harry looked over at his copy of the SLANG DICTIONARY FOR DUMMIES.  
  
"FAG. . . FAG. . ." he muttered, turning the pages. He had been   
  
wondering what this word meant. So many people had been calling him that lately.   
  
"OOOHH!" Harry said, "THAT SO TOTALLY DESCRIBES ME, AND Ron, AND Seamus,   
  
AND Dean. . ."  
  
  
  
Neville just finished 101 Facts You Should Know. He turned to the back   
  
page and re- read fact 102.  
  
  
  
Harry sat by the fire. He leaned over and tried to lick his elbow.   
  
"I CAN'T DO IT!!!" He screamed.  
  
"Fine," said Ron, handing Hermione a bag of gold, "You won."  
  
(A/N: It is Scientifically impossible for a human to lick its elbow )   
  
Ron looked down at his shoes.  
  
"I am so clueless. I mean, I'm as dumb as a rock. I bet when people do   
  
the Daily Prophet Crossword and it asks a three letter word for clueless, they   
  
spell my name: X-Z-8, I mean, R-O-N." Dumbledore, who had been walking by, froze.   
  
Hagrid felt upset. No one had called him "a great oaf" all day. He picked   
  
up his phone and dialed Draco Malfoy's cell. 


	4. ChaPTeR FouR: MIlk MustachE

A/N: Badabaadaabaa. I'm lovin' it.  
  
Harry did not understand. He could not lick his elbow.  
  
"Why????" He cried, "Can't I?"  
  
"Lick my elbow, lick elbow my!"  
  
"Ugh," cried his elbow, "That is the stupidest thing I ever heard."  
  
"No," said Harry, "This is!"  
  
He began to sing "I feel like a woman" By Shania Twain"  
  
His elbow smacked its forehead.  
  
One day, the Author got sick of Harry, his elbow, and his faggieness, so   
  
she threw herself into the story.   
  
She found herself in the Great Hall. She glared at Harry.  
  
Harry, being the whimpy fag he was, started to cry.  
  
"Shut it," said the author. He shut it.  
  
"I shall give you're the power to lick your elbow oh-faggy-one," said the   
  
author.  
  
"Hooray!" yelled Harry leaping up into the air.  
  
"Your gonna have to not do that," said the author, annoyed   
  
"Okey-dokey," said Harry and he ran off.  
  
"What have I just done?" said the author, and disappeared.  
  
"Noooooo!" screeched Harry's elbow. Harry leaned over.  
  
"Muhuhahahaha!" laughed Harry.  
  
Voldemort was scheming. What else is new? And, guess who this scheme   
  
involved...  
  
"HARRY POTTER!" screeched Voldemort, "Has been the bane of my existence   
  
for..." he started to count on his nasty-ass fingers. But before he could make   
  
"eleventy-six" Wormtail interrupted.   
  
"15 years," he finished. He walked in wearing a pink apron and holding a   
  
silver tray with cookies and milk on it.  
  
"Now," Peter said in a motherly voice, "Drink your, milk, it'll build up   
  
your evil bones."  
  
Voldemort growled and sipped his milk. He picked up his cookie, which   
  
had Harry Potter's bleeding face on it.  
  
He bit into it. "Thank you Wormtail, your cookies always cheer me up."  
  
"Well your welcome," said Peter. He then noticed Voldemort's milk   
  
mustache. "Malfoy, Malfoy, get the camera!" he squealed as Voldemort gave a   
  
high, girl-like hiccough.  
  
Later on, Wormtail sat on a plastic seat eating french fries. He giggled.   
  
He was so happy. It was his Lunch break, he had a picture of Voldemort with a   
  
milk mustache, and he was at McDonald's. He played with his cheap Happy Meal Toy.   
  
He stretched out the little Barbie's plastic arms. They flew back and slapped him   
  
in the face.  
  
"Ouch!" he said, but nothing could ruin his day.  
  
"Geese," said Wormtail, "what is my Lord thinking? He will never get   
  
Harry Potter. Besides, the boy can lick his elbow! I mean, honestly, who can   
  
beat that?"   
  
A/N: Who can beat that? HONESTLY? 


	5. ChaPTER FivE: HermiE hAs HAD enUFF

Hermione had enough.   
  
"AUTHOR?" she screamed, "AUTHOR???"  
  
"WHAT! What!" The Author screamed at Hermione. The Author appeared holding a McDonald's Burger.  
  
"I've had it! Harry's licks his elbow all the time now! And you know, in real life that's not even possible," Hermione screeched.  
  
"So? What am I supposed to do? Strangle the little weirdo?" the Author yelled back, "Wait, that actually might be a good idea . . ."  
  
"No, take his power away!"   
  
The Author sighed and snapped her fingers . Harry appeared, licking his elbow.  
  
"Its not yet your time," said the author to the elbow.  
  
"NOOOOO!!!" cried Harry. Then, as though it was in slow motion, Harry watched with wide eyes as the Author snapped her fingers, and then slowly felt his power drain from him.  
  
"YESSSSS!" cried Hermione and the elbow, along with the rest of Hogwarts (except Harry).   
  
________________________________________________________________________-  
  
Meanwhile, Snape was still skipping around the dungeon singing "I Feel Pretty." He smiled to himself. "I think I'll redecorate!" He giggled.  
  
He began to apply M&M wallpaper to the dungeon walls. He began to sing "Whistle While You Work" from Snow White and The Seven Dwarves."   
  
__________________________________________________________________________  
  
Draco Malfoy sat all alone. He felt sad because he had no one to hate. His cell phone rang.  
  
"Draco Malfoy . . . How May I hate-uh help you?"  
  
"Uh Yeah. Malfoy It's Hagrid," answered a gruff vioce.  
  
"HAGRID???? HOW'D YOU GET MY NUMBER YOU GREAT OAF!" Draco yelled and hung up.  
  
"Thanks," Hagrid said, crying with happy tears (he was too slow too realize Malfoy had hung up) "That was beautiful." Hagrid hung up.   
  
__________________________________________________________________________  
  
Harry ran off, crying. He lost his power . . . he lost it all . . . he flung himself into the boys bathroom and began to cry.   
  
"Okay," said The Author, "that's pathetic." She snapped her fingers and a binky appeared in Harry's mouth, his pants turned in a big diaper and a rattle appeared in his hand.  
  
"Perfect. Now I might be able to finish my burger . . ." 


	6. ChapTER sIX: TruSTy Mr CHIsEl

A/N: Thank you to those that reviewed.  
  
*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*& heeeree's the story.  
  
Ron turned around to find Dumbledore. Dumbledore was still frozen.   
  
"Time to bring out the chisel!" grinned Ron. He whipped out Trusty Mr. Chisel.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOO!" cried Dumbledore, "When The Author said I was frozen she didn't   
  
mean . . ."  
  
Ron shook his head.  
  
"Nonsense," he said, and threw back his chisel. Dumbledore fainted.   
  
Snape was skipping down the hall. He was humming "I Feel Pretty."  
  
Coming up was Percy who had been chasing the twins, but lost them.  
  
Percy was running, Snape was skipping.  
  
They both turned the corner and . . . WHAM!  
  
They both passed out. Madam Pompfrey found them a few minutes later. She gasped and brought them to the hospital wing.  
  
When Snape woke up, Madam Pompfrey asked him, "How Do You Feel?"  
  
Snape looked up at her.  
  
"I Feel . . .Pretty! Oh So Pretty. So Pretty and Wity and GAY!" Snape said. He continued to sing "I Feel Pretty."  
  
Madam Pompfrey backed away. Percy woke up.  
  
She went over to his bedside.  
  
"How do You Feel, dear?" she asked.  
  
Percy looked her straight in the eye.  
  
"Man, I feel like a woman," he said and he continued to sing "I Feel Like A Woman." Madam Pompfrey left the room, went to the sink, and took an asprin. 


	7. ChaPTer 7: thE wrATH of THE diRtY DIAPeR

Harry sat on the bathroom floor sucking his binky. The Author smelt a smell. A kind of smelly smell. A smelly smell that smells . . . smelly. (From Spongebob Squarepants)  
  
"Eeew! Harry!" said the author staring down at his diaper.  
  
Harry spit his binky out.  
  
"Change me back or . . . face the wrath of the dirty diaper."  
  
Author's eyes began to water.  
  
"Okay, fine," she cried, coughing. She snapped her fingers and changed him back.  
  
Dumbledore woke up and saw the chisel heading straight for his face.  
  
He screeched and Apparated. Hermione put her hand on her hip and stared up at the Author.   
  
"You Can't Apparate inside Hogwarts grounds!" she said. "How many times do I have to say it?"  
  
Author's eye twitches. She stared down at Hermione. Hermione cowered. Author snaps finger and turns Hermione into a fly. Author pulls out her fly swatter . . .  
  
  
  
Percy's "I Feel Like A Woman" mingled with Snape's "I Feel Pretty" was driving Madam Pompfrey insane. She passed out. 


	8. CHaptER 8: AuTHOR's eyE tWITchES

A/N: Haven't been around for a while. Short w/ a bit of random thrown in for good measure.  
  
Dumbledore woke up and saw the chisel heading straight for his face.  
  
He screeched and Apparated. Hermione put her hand on her hip and stared up at the Author.   
  
"You Can't Apparate inside Hogwarts grounds!" she said. "How many times do I have to say it?"  
  
Author's eye twitches. She stared down at Hermione. Hermione cowered. Author snaps finger and turns Hermione into a fly. Author pulls out her fly swatter . . .  
  
Percy's "I Feel Like A Woman" mingled with Snape's "I Feel Pretty" was driving Madam Pompfrey insane. She passed out.  
  
Harry walked out of the bathroom and ran into Dumbledore.   
  
"Hello Professor," said Harry cheerfully.   
  
"Take Him!" yelled Dumbledore pointing at Harry.  
  
"Wha-" Harry began, he turned around to find Ron running at him with a chisel.  
  
"Not AGAIN!" cried Harry, getting up and running.  
  
"MUAHUHUHAHAH!" laughed Ron, "Who's clueless now?"  
  
"YOU!!!" called Dumbledore and Harry.  
  
REVIEW U, U,...U clueless Rons! 


	9. ChapTER 9: THAT iS tHe SOlutiON

A/N: I WAS ON VACATION TRaPpED insIDe My HeAD.  
  
Hermione buzzed along and landed on Ron's back.  
  
The author can't see her. "Curse it!" cries the author and turns her into a hippo. Ron yelps out in pain.   
  
"Get off," he cried, before passing out. Hermione bellowed, got up and pounded on, The Author chasing her.  
  
Percy stopped singing, and so did Snape. They stared at Madam Pompfrey.   
  
"We've got to help!" sqeaked Snape.  
  
"Yes, yes," agreed Percy.  
  
"M&Ms," yelled Snape, "THAT IS THE SOLUTION!"  
  
"Precisely" said Percy, and they emptied there pocket of M&Ms and started to shove them into Madam Popmfrey's open mouth.  
  
One day, after Frodo destroyed the Ring, Legolas Greenleaf was walking in his beloved   
  
Mirkwood, contemplating how wonderful his life was, how majestically perfect he was, and how   
  
marvelous his hair always seemed to look. He tripped and stumbled over a passed out form. He looked   
  
down at it and let out a high pitched scream. He ran away crying. The form stirred.   
  
"Damn that Hermione Granger!" said Umbridge, while rubbing her head.  
  
A/N:LEGOLAS IS SOOOOOOOOOOO FINE! 


	10. Chapter 10: THaT\'ll teAch You

Ron sat on his back, motionless. Doing their victory dance, Harry and Dumbledore high-fived, low-fived, middle-fived, between the legs fived, body fived,

and then shook hands. Then Harry began loudly, "We Are the Champions," which Dumbledork (not a mistake) joined in on.

"Percy the Pervert," Percy said to himself, mulling it over while helping Madam Pomfrey to her feet. "I like it." Snape was looking at him with a mixture of

pity and revulsion. "Did I just say that aloud?" Percy asked Snape.

"Yes," snapped Severely Snapped.

"Oh, goody!" said Percy The Perv, and he felt himself lovingly. Snape cried and ran out of the room. Madam Pomfrey was still unconscious.

The Author chased Hippo Hermione all the way down the hall. Suddenly, she stopped.

"I'm such a moron," said the Author. She snapped her fingers and the hippo disappeared, then normal Hermione re-appeared in a cage.

"HA!" laughed the Author. She snapped her hand and a TV appeared outside of the cage. She popped in DVD and snapped her fingers again.

The screen played a 2hr long Educational television video about hippos. Hermione bellowed in pain. The Author laughed.

"Yes, and you can't close your eyes either, because I'm the Author and I can decide what happens!" Hermione stared in horror as the 1st episode began.

"This shall teach you not to be a smartass!" yelled the author. She disappeared.


	11. Chapter 11: I'm BacK BACK aGAIn

A/N: I don't own McDonald's, Harry Potter, LORD OF THE RINGS, West Side Story,

M&Ms, Gary Lang Automobiles, "I Feel Like a Woman," Shania Twain, "I feel Pretty,"

The Slang Dictionary for Dummies, 101 facts you should know, Draco Malfoy's cell

phone, so don't ask, Wormtail's cookies, "Whistle While You Work," Snow White and

the Seven Dwarves, Spongebob Squarepants, "We are the Champions," "Percy the

Pervert," Brittany Spears, Porn, "Severely Snapped," Vegas, or Harry's "Elbow." 

If, you are loser like myself and do not own anything, then do me a favor and go

looking for anything in this story that I do not own and forgot to mention. Auf

Wiedersehen, Adiós, Au revoir, Arrivederci, Adeus, Aloha, Teg-Teg, oodgay yeba, 

Buh-bye, Peace out, Chow, and enjoy.) 


End file.
